I saw something at the hangout the other day that was just dead wrong and made me angry.
There really isn’t another way to describe it.
I was sitting at the bar when one of the male cooks came out of the kitchen to grab a fountain drink. As he walked past, a female bartender/server greeted him by slapping him on the ass with a big, mischevious smile on her face.
It wasn’t a tap on the shoulder, a high five, or a playful shove. It was a hard slap – not a tap – on the ass. That’s correct. Right on the ass.
I was maybe five feet away.
It was obviously intended as a friendly hello. She wasn’t angry. There wasn’t an argument. Presumably they know each other reasonably well, and perhaps she has done it before. They are about forty years old, and I know for certain they don’t have any kind of relationship beyond work.
And here’s the thing. He didn’t look particularly thrilled about it.
And I immediately thought: Reverse the roles.
Imagine a female server or female bartender walking in the bar area and a male cook reaching out and slapping her hard on the ass as his way of saying hello.
How would that go over? I’m guessing not very well.
Someone might report it to the manager. There could be a formal complaint. Depending on the workplace and whether there had been previous incidents, there could be disciplinary action. Maybe he’d be fired.
And the people watching would almost certainly say the same thing: You can’t do that. They’d be right.
That’s the part we sometimes forget when talking about these things. Men have personal boundaries too.
I’m certainly not opposed to friendly physical contact. Some people are naturally more touchy than others, especially after they get to know you.
I’ve had servers I know touch my shoulder or arm when they’re talking to me or walk by me. There’s absolutely nothing sexual about it. It’s simply their way of communicating platonic affection or friendliness: I know you and am comfortable with you. I like you. It’s good to see you.
That’s fine with me.
But I don’t reciprocate. I’ve always had this “Don’t touch the server” rule. I don’t put my hand on a server’s arm or shoulder. I don’t hug them unless they initiate one of those barely-touch-each-other quick hugs. I don’t initiate a high five or even a fist bump. That’s just a personal rule. They’re working, I’m the customer, and I’d rather leave absolutely no possibility of making somebody uncomfortable.
Maybe that’s overly cautious, but I’m okay with that.
But slapping someone’s ass isn’t in the same category as touching somebody’s shoulder anyway. We all understand the difference.
And that’s why the double standard bothers me.
I’m not arguing that because a woman can apparently get away with doing something like this, men should be able to do it too.
Goodness, no. I’m arguing that neither should.
That shouldn’t be a particularly radical concept.
The double standard has another problem in that it puts men in an awkward position when they’re on the receiving end.
What exactly is that cook supposed to do? Tell her not to touch him? Complain to his manager?
Imagine the reaction he might worry about getting. Seriously? She was only joking. What’s the big deal?
Some guys might even be embarrassed to admit that it bothered them because men are still frequently expected to shrug off unwanted physical contact from women. We’re supposed to enjoy the attention or at least laugh along with it.
But unwanted is unwanted.
Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but he clearly looked uncomfortable and a bit stunned. For all I know, five minutes later he teased her about something, and neither one gave the encounter another thought.
But that’s not really the point. What bothered me was how completely differently the exact same action would probably have been perceived if their genders had been reversed.
Society spends a lot of time talking about this, and there are many HR and online articles on appropriate workplace behavior, consent, and respecting people’s personal space.
Those principles shouldn’t suddenly become optional depending on who’s doing the touching. You don’t need a 40-page employee handbook to figure this one out.
Keep your hands to yourself. And yes, that applies to everybody.
