I’ve been delving into the darker side of the human condition lately, reading all sorts of credible articles and books on the subject. No, I haven’t gone to the dark side permanently or exclusively; in fact, I’ve balanced that reading with upbuilding spiritual reading and inspirational articles of people who have overcome severe obstacles to lead a rich and fulfilling life. My darker path has taken me into the world of narcissism in its various forms and frankly, it is frightening at times to read how dangerous these people are and how they can ruin lives.
According to the Mayo Clinic, Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them at whatever cost. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are unsure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism. Granted, we all have our egos to varying degrees and the word “narcissist” is often misused. In fact, it is a spectrum condition in that we all have a measure of it, but those who are particularly dangerous are the ones at the extreme end of the scale. Much more could be written about the specificities of narcissism and the DSM-5, but for the purposes of this blog, we’ll try and keep things simple. So, let’s get to it and start with the malignant narcissist.
A malignant narcissist represents one of the most toxic and dangerous personality types. They combine the classic traits of narcissism—such as grandiosity, entitlement, and a lack of empathy—with elements of antisocial behavior, sadism, and aggression. Engaging with a malignant narcissist is incredibly damaging, both emotionally and psychologically. This makes the strategy of going and staying “no contact” essential, particularly when they engage in “hoovering,” a tactic designed to suck you back into their sphere of control and manipulation.
Understanding Malignant Narcissism
Malignant narcissists exhibit extreme self-centeredness and a ruthless pursuit of power and dominance. Unlike more benign narcissists, who primarily seek admiration and attention, malignant narcissists derive pleasure from harming others and exerting control. Their behavior is highly manipulative, deceitful, and often overtly abusive. They lack any semblance of empathy, remorse, or conscience, making them capable of causing severe emotional and psychological harm to those around them.
Malignant narcissists are adept at manipulating emotions, often employing tactics like gaslighting, where they distort reality to make their victims doubt their sanity. This constant psychological warfare (yes, they are always at war) erodes self-esteem and leads to severe anxiety and depression. If you tell them the sky is blue, they will tell you it is green and argue to the point of your being exhausted, so you either give in or walk away. Ah, but if you walk away, they will often follow and berate you as they invade your boundaries and disregard your personal space. They will attempt to destroy you with a plethora of verbal abuse including name-calling, criticism, ridicule, guilt, berating, piercing high-pitched screaming that goes right through you, mocking you with words you never said, expecting you to read their minds and then caterwauling at you when you can’t, and trying to instigate arguments that they must win. Did the malignant narcissist fail to replace the toilet paper roll? They will say you did it and fly into a rage when you deny them their version of reality. Did you put six teaspoons of coffee in the coffee machine instead of seven? You are an idiot and will no longer be making the coffee. But three days later, you will be lambasted for not making the coffee and being inconsiderate. They are extremely toxic and worse than the parasitical aliens from the “Aliens” franchise as they suck the life out of you until you reach the point of exhaustion both physically from lack of sleep, and emotionally. Their goal is to weaken and destroy you so you are more easily manipulated. They are masters at depriving you of sleep by trying to instigate arguments about anything and everything as you wind down for the night. This nightly repetitive action winds you up even more if you walk away and deprives you of sleep, as your brain is going a mile a minute trying to process what is going on and how to get out of the situation. You will spend sleepless nights involuntarily pacing as your body and brain need sleep, but it doesn’t come. You will be frazzled during the day and functioning at low capacity. They don’t want you out of their sight because you are their narcissistic supply. You do as they say or there is hell to pay – now and later.
These individuals often work to isolate their victims from friends and family, creating a dependency on the narcissist. This isolation not only makes the victim more controllable but also removes external perspectives that could help the victim recognize the abuse. I shudder when I think of how malignant narcissists must have loved the COVID-19 pandemic when there were all sorts of lockdowns and stay-at-home orders. They must have reveled in the opportunity to further destroy their victims.
Malignant narcissists may exploit their victims financially, whether through direct theft, manipulation of financial decisions, or coercion into financially detrimental situations. This exploitation serves to further entrench the victim’s dependence on the narcissist.
While not all malignant narcissists resort to physical violence, the potential exists, particularly when they feel their control is threatened. Their lack of empathy and aggressive tendencies can manifest in physical harm. If you’ve ever experienced narcissistic rage, it is terrifying. The narcissist will sometimes foam at the mouth, their eyes go a demonic shade of black as they scream and spew a volcanic barrage of insults and ridicule. The rampage may last several minutes and if you walk away, they will follow you with their vitriol. Your heart will palpitate and you will have the fight or flight response – but take the flight response if possible because a fight will only further enrage the malignant narcissist. There is only one safe space for you – and that is out.
“Hoovering” is named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner, and it describes the various manipulative tactics a narcissist uses to “suck” a former victim back into their sphere of influence after a period of separation. Always remember that the malignant narcissist doesn’t care about you; all they care about is destroying you like death by a thousand cuts, and you are their narcissistic supply. That said, hoovering takes many forms:
The narcissist may promise they have changed or will change, expressing remorse and pledging to treat the victim better. They will talk of turning over a new leaf. These empty promises serve only to regain control over their victim and attain supply. They will not change, so don’t fall victim to their tactics again, no matter how nice they may seem.
They may present themselves as the actual victim, appealing to the target’s empathy and guilt. They’re not the victim; you are. Don’t let them play on your empathetic nature; that is precisely what they want. You are not responsible for their mental health and well-being.
Initially, they may use excessive charm, gifts, or affection to lure the victim back, reminiscent of the idealization phase that often characterizes the beginning of such relationships. If softer tactics fail, they might resort to threats or aggressive behavior to coerce the victim into re-engaging.
Going “no contact” means completely severing all forms of communication and interaction with the narcissist. By eliminating all contact in all its forms, you remove the narcissist’s ability to manipulate you through their various hoovering tactics. This is essential in breaking the cycle of abuse and beginning the healing process, which may take years, even after only months of malignant narcissist abuse.
Continuous contact with a malignant narcissist hinders emotional recovery. No contact provides the space necessary to rebuild self-esteem and regain a sense of reality and normalcy. You also need time to recover physically because you will be exhausted. Get plenty of sleep, exercise, and eat nutritious meals. No contact reduces the risk of physical and emotional abuse. It also diminishes the narcissist’s ability to exploit you financially or otherwise. Narcissistic relationships often create a toxic dependency. By going no contact, you begin to rebuild your independence and can start forming healthy relationships free from manipulation and control.
Despite its myriad benefits, maintaining no contact can be challenging. Here are some strategies to help: Surround yourself with friends, family, and support groups who understand your situation and can provide encouragement and perspective. Professional therapy can be invaluable in processing trauma, rebuilding self-esteem, and developing strategies to maintain no contact. If you have a spiritual inclination, pray for relief and help. Set and enforce clear boundaries. Block the narcissist on all communication platforms and avoid places they frequent. If they change their phone number and get through, delete the message before you hear it, and block the new number. Never, never, never go back or break no contact. The abuse will be even worse – and don’t think that is not possible, because with a malignant narcissist, it is. Consider legal protections like restraining orders to ensure your safety in severe cases. Prioritize self-care practices that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. This includes proper sleep, exercise, hobbies, and other relaxation activities.
Dealing with a malignant narcissist is a harrowing experience that requires a decisive and strategic response. Going and staying no contact is the only way to protect yourself from their manipulative and abusive behavior. While the process can be challenging and there may be setbacks, particularly in the face of hoovering tactics, it is essential for your long-term health and well-being. By cutting off all avenues of communication, seeking support, and focusing on self-care, you can begin to heal and reclaim your life from the grip of the malignant narcissist.
John Berkovich Talks 