I’m sitting here, trying to enjoy a quiet coffee and getting lots of work done, when, like a heat-seeking missile, he lands at the table across the coffee shop. He knows the people sitting there, but it’s obvious they’re not thrilled to see him. I know them too, and they have said they don’t like him. He’s the kind of guy who makes every table his table, every conversation his stage, every pause a chance to fill the air with his noise.
And every fourth word is the F-bomb. You’d think he invented the word and gets a royalty whenever he uses it. I’m no holier-than-thou; I’ve let a few slip in my day. But this is something else entirely—a one-man profanity machine with no off switch. You want a PG-rated word-for-word taste of what I just heard? “I was effing thinking of going to Cuba this effing winter for a couple of effing weeks to get the F-bomb out of effing winter. I effing went a few years ago, and effing loved it …” I think I made my point. Repulsive, isn’t it? Seven out of thirty nine words. And this isn’t coming from some kid on the street who thinks swearing makes him sound tough, this is coming from a 59-year-old man. This is the loudmouth at the bar I wrote about a while back, the same guy who shows strangers his photos without asking and tells people he owns the restaurant. He doesn’t.
He doesn’t care that young families with kids are at tables on either side of him. If they find him offensive, it is their problem, and they need to lighten up. He told one table as much, and they left for the other coffee shop down the street and were soon followed by the other family. He’s talking about the weather, his car, the latest game, and somehow, every topic is connected by the magic of his favorite four-letter word.
Meanwhile, the people at his table look like they’d rather be elsewhere. One’s staring at their phone, the other’s half-smiling in that forced way you do when you’re hoping someone will eventually get the hint. But he’s oblivious. Or maybe he doesn’t care. Perhaps he thinks he’s the life of the party, the guy who makes everything more interesting. He’s not.
He’s the guy who hijacks your evening, makes you cringe every time he opens his mouth, and sucks all the oxygen out of the room. The guy who, even though he knows you’re deep in conversation about something meaningful like family, life, work, or a recent serious illness, barrels in with a story about his buddy’s truck and how the “effing thing wouldn’t effing start.” And let’s talk about the volume. He’s so loud, you’d think he was trying to reach the next town. It’s like he’s allergic to silence. Or maybe silence makes him uncomfortable, because it might force him to think for a second.
It’s not just the swearing, though. It’s the complete disregard for anyone else’s experience and the conviction that he has the right to impose himself on everyone else, like the world’s a stage for his ongoing monologue of nonsense. Now and then, I look over at the people at his table. I see their eyes dart around, looking for an exit. I see the polite nods, the forced laughs, the glances at the clock. They want out, but they don’t want to be rude. They’re stuck in that social trap we’ve all been in—too nice to say, “Hey, buddy, we’re having a private and serious conversation here. Now isn’t the time to show us your photos (not that we wanted to see them anyway).”
I wish they would. However, I don’t think he’d even notice. I think he’s so wrapped up in his own world that any attempt to rein him in would bounce off him like a tennis ball off a brick wall. I’m not saying I’m perfect. I’ve dropped an F-bomb in frustration or muttered a curse under my breath when I stubbed my toe. But at least I have the decency to keep it in check when I’m in public, especially when I can tell that other people around me didn’t sign up for a profanity-laced TED Talk. Nor do I just sit down uninvited and take over a conversation.
So here’s my question: Do you ever stop swearing? Do you even realize how it sounds? Because here’s a little secret—every time you drop another bomb, you’re not sounding cool or edgy. You’re just sounding repulsive and lazy, as if your vocabulary’s stuck on repeat and you don’t know how to express yourself without it. And if you can’t figure that out—if you can’t find a way to have a conversation that doesn’t make everyone around you cringe—maybe you should just, you know, shut up for a change and take a social etiquette class. Two or three would be better. But you probably won’t because you see nothing wrong with your words and actions and likely never will.
