A particular kind of discomfort creeps in when I witness someone being disrespected in public, especially a woman in a service role. Whether it’s a waitress just trying to do her job or a retail associate managing a long line of customers, the lack of basic respect shown by some people, usually men, is deeply unsettling. These women aren’t there for your entertainment and they aren’t your slave. They aren’t there to absorb crude remarks or flirtatious innuendos and verbally abused. They’re doing their job, even if they make a few mistakes along the way, and they deserve to be treated with dignity.
Let’s be clear: Women in public-facing roles already face enough challenges. They juggle demanding schedules and often work double shifts, sometimes rude or entitled customers, and the pressure to smile and be polite no matter what. However, layered on top of that is persistent, ugly behavior that objectifies them or places them in a powerless position where they can’t respond honestly without risking their job. I overheard a married female server-friend look after a table, and one of the patrons said, “After your shift is over, why don’t we go to your place?” She was appalled but responded with a nervous laugh as she walked away. I felt so bad for her. Surely the scumbag at the table saw her wedding ring every time she serviced the table.
What’s worse is that this isn’t just something coming from clueless teenagers. Grown men (like the scumbag), some of whom are married, wearing wedding rings, and possibly even fathers of daughters, are often the culprits. It’s not just about crude jokes or unwanted compliments either. It’s the leering and the comments made when their back is turned or they are out of earshot. The “accidental” touches that become a massage of her hand when she hands over the credit card machine. It’s dismissive language, mansplaining, and subtle intimidation masked as charm or with an “I’m only kidding; I’m not like that.”
And it has to stop.
Respecting women isn’t about being a hero or earning a pat on the back. It’s about decency. It’s about the kind of person you are when no one’s watching, and especially when you think there are no consequences for your behavior. How you treat someone in a service position is a window to your soul and character. True character is shown when you’re in a position of perceived control—like being a customer—and you choose to act with empathy instead of entitlement.
Some may brush off inappropriate behavior as harmless fun or “just being friendly.” But if your version of friendly makes someone uncomfortable, it’s not harmless. If your compliment is about their body instead of their service, it’s not respectful. If you know the female server (and maybe if you don’t – read the room) it’s okay to say, “That a nice hoodie,” without leering, but it’s not okay to say, “So, you’ll be wearing the tank top and shorts during patio season,” or “So you went to the Metallica concert last night. Did your top come off in the mosh pit?” Yes, I have heard those exact lines from a jerk.
This issue hits a nerve with many of us because we’ve seen it happen too often. Maybe we’ve been silent observers while someone crossed a line. Perhaps we’ve spoken up and been brushed off. However, more people, especially men, need to use their voices to challenge these behaviors. A casual “Hey, that’s not cool” or a redirecting comment can go a long way. It’s not about shaming someone but signaling that respect is the expectation.
And to those in service roles who have to bite their tongues daily, I see you. Many of you are masters at diffusing tension, keeping your composure, and walking away from situations that should never have happened in the first place. You deserve better every shift.
The golden rule still applies. Treat people how you’d want not only yourself but your daughter, sister, friend, or partner to be treated, whether she’s serving you coffee, ringing up your groceries, or taking your order at a busy restaurant. That’s not just good manners. That’s basic humanity.
John Berkovich Talks 