Forgiving yourself can feel like one of the hardest things to do, especially when you’re burdened by guilt or shame. Before we go further, it should be noted that regret, which we discussed a few weeks ago, and forgiveness are two different things. If you are like me, you may have moments when you dwell on the mistakes you made, even decades ago, and wish you hadn’t done certain things or engaged with certain people because it brought you down. We all make mistakes, but sometimes, they can feel like they define us. The weight of not being able to forgive yourself can make it seem impossible to move forward. But to heal and grow, you must find a way to show yourself compassion and let go of the self-judgment that’s holding you back.
The first step in finding self-compassion is acknowledging the pain you’re feeling. Whether it’s guilt over a past action, regret for a missed opportunity, or shame over something you’ve said or done, it’s important to sit with those feelings without immediately trying to push them away. Ignoring or denying the pain only prolongs the suffering. Recognize that it’s okay to feel bad about your past actions, but don’t let those feelings define who you are today. Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’re a bad person—it simply means you’re human.
Next, step back and try to view the situation from a place of understanding. Often, we’re our own harshest critics, holding ourselves to impossible standards and beating ourselves up over every misstep. But forgiveness is about seeing things with a kinder, more balanced perspective. Ask yourself what you would say to a friend in a similar situation. Chances are, you wouldn’t berate them but rather extend compassion and a listening ear. Extend that same kindness to yourself.
It’s also important to recognize that you did the best you could with the knowledge and resources you had at the time. Hindsight may allow you to see what you would have done differently, but in the moment, you acted based on your understanding, emotions, and circumstances. This realization doesn’t excuse harmful actions, but it does help you understand that you’re not defined by one mistake. You are capable of growth, learning, and change, and your past does not have to determine your future.
Another essential part of self-forgiveness is making amends, if possible. If your actions hurt someone else, take responsibility for them. Apologize sincerely, not because you owe it to them, but because it’s a step toward healing for both of you. If you can’t directly apologize, or if the person is no longer part of your life, consider finding another way to make peace—whether it’s through journaling, prayer, or speaking out loud to that person without them being present. Taking these steps can release some of the emotional burden and help you start the process of moving on.
One of the most critical practices in self-forgiveness is reframing your narrative. We all have a story we tell ourselves about who we are, and when we hold on to guilt, it can become a dominant part of that story. But you are not your mistakes. You are not your failures. You are someone capable of learning and growing. Start rewriting your story by acknowledging your mistakes, taking responsibility, and focusing on how you can improve moving forward. Allow yourself the space to grow beyond your past actions.
Self-compassion is a practice. You cannot force it overnight, and it won’t always come easily. But every small act of kindness toward yourself—whether it’s giving yourself a break, practicing forgiveness, or acknowledging your progress—is a step toward healing. It’s about shifting your mindset from one of harsh self-judgment to one of understanding and self-love.
You deserve forgiveness, not because you are perfect, but because you are human. The most important thing you can do for yourself is to give yourself permission to heal, and become a better version of yourself, free from the weight of guilt and shame.
John Berkovich Talks 