Adult siblings drifting apart is a complex and common phenomenon influenced by various psychological, social, and environmental factors. I’m one who has experienced this firsthand as the surviving siblings rarely contact one another, if at all. There are many reasons why adult siblings drift apart, especially after the parents – who often serve as the anchor and restraint – pass away.
Changes in Life Stages:
As siblings transition into adulthood, they often pursue different life paths. They may focus on building careers, starting families, or pursuing personal interests. This leads to differences in priorities, schedules, and availability. For example, one sibling may prioritize career advancement, while another may prioritize starting a family. As a result, they may have less time and energy to invest in maintaining their relationship.
Diverging Interests and Values:
As individuals mature, they may develop new interests, hobbies, and belief systems that diverge from those of their siblings. These differences can create a sense of disconnect and make it challenging to find common ground for meaningful interactions. For instance, one sibling may develop a passion for traveling, while the other may be more focused on building a stable home life. These differences in interests and values create distance between siblings over time. Often, the one feeling slighted expects the one with new and divergent interests to still be the same person he or she was as a child and cater to the more forceful personality’s interests come what may – even if the other has outgrown or moved in a different direction.
Communication Patterns:
Effective communication is essential for maintaining strong sibling relationships. However, communication patterns often vary widely among siblings. Some may naturally communicate frequently and openly, while others may struggle to express themselves or initiate conversations. Some may be in touch with their feelings while others have a suck it up and get over it attitude – until they themselves need help with a matter. Additionally, unresolved conflicts or past misunderstandings can create barriers to open communication. Without regular and meaningful communication, siblings drift apart as they grow older; they become strangers with little in common except their bloodline.
Unresolved Conflicts:
Conflicts and disagreements are a natural part of any relationship, including sibling relationships. However, unresolved conflicts can fester and create resentment over time. Siblings may avoid addressing underlying issues due to fear of confrontation with the more volatile siblings or a desire to maintain harmony within the family. These unresolved conflicts can erode trust and intimacy, leading to a breakdown in the relationship. Without addressing and resolving these conflicts, siblings may find it challenging to maintain a close bond. There is also the tendency for some older siblings to look and talk down to their younger ones as if the younger were still a child and somehow beholden to the older one. Often, one sibling may demand more and more of another one, expecting them to be at their beck and call while never reciprocating the process or even reacting with a temper tantrum when asked if a favor can be done. If one counted giving favors, the giving one usually leads by a wide margin until he or she says no more; realizing it is a one-sided relationship. This ‘no more’ stand can result in rage on the part of the one who feels wronged and the ‘you never do anything for me’ attitude – forgetting the dozens of large and small favors received.
External Influences:
External factors such as work, friendships, and romantic relationships also impact sibling dynamics. For example, demanding work schedules or commitments to social activities can leave little time for siblings to connect. Similarly, new romantic relationships may shift priorities and decrease the amount of time siblings spend together. Additionally, changes in social circles or relocation to different cities further exacerbates feelings of distance and disconnect.
Family Dynamics:
The dynamics within the family of origin can significantly influence sibling relationships. Factors such as birth order, parental favoritism, and family roles can shape the way siblings interact with each other. For example, a sibling who feels overshadowed by a more accomplished or favored sibling may distance themselves to establish their own identity. Similarly, unresolved issues from childhood, such as sibling rivalry or parental neglect, can affect the quality of the sibling relationship in adulthood.
Personal Growth and Development:
As individuals mature and undergo personal growth, they may reassess their relationships and priorities. Siblings may pursue personal goals, such as education, career advancement, or self-discovery, that require time and energy investment. These pursuits may take precedence over maintaining close ties with siblings, especially if they perceive the relationship as stagnant or unfulfilling. Additionally, personal growth can lead to changes in values, beliefs, and lifestyle choices that may not align with those of siblings.
Geographical Distance:
Physical distance can pose a significant challenge to maintaining close sibling relationships. Siblings who live far apart find it difficult to spend quality time together or participate in shared activities. While advancements in technology have made it easier to stay connected across distances, nothing replaces face-to-face interaction. Geographical distance can create feelings of isolation and detachment, making it harder for siblings to maintain a strong bond.
Life Transitions and Stressors:
Life transitions such as marriage, parenthood, divorce, or career changes can create stress and upheaval in individuals’ lives. During these periods of transition, siblings may prioritize their own needs and responsibilities, leading to decreased interaction with each other. Moreover, coping with major life stressors can consume one’s emotional and mental energy, leaving little room for nurturing relationships with siblings. As a result, siblings may drift apart during times of significant life changes.
Social Comparison and Envy:
Siblings often engage in social comparison, comparing themselves to each other in various domains such as career success, financial stability, or personal achievements. While healthy competition can motivate individuals to strive for excellence, excessive comparison and envy can strain sibling relationships. Feelings of jealousy or inadequacy can arise when one sibling perceives the other as more successful or accomplished. These negative emotions can create tension and resentment, driving siblings apart rather than bringing them closer together.
In conclusion, adult siblings drift apart due to a combination of factors, including changes in life stages, diverging interests and values, communication patterns, unresolved conflicts, external influences, family dynamics, personal growth, geographical distance, life transitions, and social comparison. Nurturing and maintaining strong sibling relationships require effort, understanding, and effective communication. By recognizing and addressing the underlying factors that contribute to drift, siblings can work towards building deeper connections and fostering greater closeness in their relationship.
John Berkovich Talks 